NEW: We now accept cars held together by hope
Gooood morning, and GoodBYE to your old car!
We’ll buy your old car for cold, hard cash. Because if something isn’t cold and hard… it ain’t worth having.
*Cash subject to: vibes, moon phase, and whether Chris had lunch.
Car condition
“Seen better”
Smell
Mildly haunted
Rattles per mile
Yes
Offer
$420
“I’m just being honest with you.”
Unlike Chris’s dead great-grandfather (who we definitely did not keep around after rigor mortis), you shouldn’t hold onto your old car for too long. Bring it in and we’ll give you exactly what we think it’s worth.
We promise to rip you off 15% less than our competitors.
We’ll buy your car on the spot. No questions asked. Some mild judgement implied.
We only rip you off 15% less than the next guy. Transparency matters.
Use code NOTASTOLENCAR for 20% off (we promise).
All cars are certified pre-owned* (*Certified by Chris, verbally.)
Mileage: 240,000-ish (odometer gave up)
Damage meter
Pros: has doors. Cons: they’re mostly philosophical.
$799
Mileage: 189,000 (allegedly)
Damage meter
Includes: free loose bolt assortment (under seats).
$999
Mileage: “High”
Damage meter
Seats 7 (if you don’t respect personal space).
$1,499
Mileage: 160,000 (plus emotional miles)
Damage meter
0–60: eventually. Handling: confident lies.
$1,250
Mileage: 210,000 (smells like ambition)
Damage meter
Perfect for deliveries, band practice, or fleeing mistakes.
$1,899
Mileage: 300,000 (engine is on its 4th arc)
Damage meter
Comes with: complimentary “clunk” soundtrack.
$1,050
All listings subject to availability, gravity, and whether the key is “somewhere in here.”
Your car won’t sell itself (we tried, it didn’t work).
By clicking, you agree to at least one confusing conversation.